My complaint:
It’s the night before Christmas Eve, 2022 and I’m doing the very last of my Christmas shopping. I’ve just purchased a gift item, a Shelf Elf, down the road at CVS, exchanged ‘Merry Christmases’ with the friendly personnel there and traveled the short distance to the Lyman FOOD LION Store 2642 to make my final Christmas purchase, a Franzia Box Wine.
With it in hand, yours truly is full of the good old Christmas spirit as I head for the register where I want to complete this simple transaction and tell all those present, ‘Have A Merry Christmas!’
But the cashier and bagboy here do not want to have this kind of interaction with me. They have something else in mind.
: ( : ( : (
It’s 10:20 PM and this FOOD LION closes in 40 minutes.
This should be a fun and cheerful Christmassy purchase. What could possibly go wrong?
As I approach the lone open register in the store (in hindsight, no way in hell to avoid these two assclowns – grrrrr!) the cashier, cashier 0130 per my receipt, smirks at me then looks at the bagboy who immediately joins in with her ‘fun’.
No friendly smiles or warm season’s greetings to be had in this FOOD LION tonight!
I say, ‘Hey’, to the cashier in an effort to break the ice and warm them up a bit, but she responds with a PSYCHO DEATH STARE while the dopey-looking bagboy looks on with a cretinous smirk on his face.
I see that I’m dealing with someone who isn’t in the best of moods, probably doesn’t want to be working at this moment, hates everything about her life and lack thereof, isn’t currently playing with a full deck and I’m her current target and she has a moronic bagboy-fanboy to cheer her on. It appears to be just the 3 of us in the store and these TWO THINGS are about to give me a ‘private show’.
Henceforth, let us refer to the psycho cashier as THING 1 and it’s puerile bagboy-fanboy as THING 2. Marvelous!
THING 1 yanks the Box Wine from my hand as I’m not quite finished placing it on the belt and I look up to see that it is still giving me the PSYCHO DEATH STARE! Oh boy, this is going to be good.
I’m not easily bullied or intimidated. I’ve been there. Done it. Own the t-shirt.
I was a MILITARY POLICEMAN in the U.S. ARMY.
So I find this all strangely amusing.
I look directly down at the Gomerish-looking THING 2 (it’s rather small) while it continues smirking but looks away.
That’s good. I’ve established dominance over THING 2, which, with it’s silly smirk reminds me of the inbred banjo playing kid in the movie Deliverance, but THING 1 which is taller than THING 2, is, in the parlance of our times, STILL TRIPPING HARD.
It’s still seethingly mad, about what, I can’t begin to fathom, and not speaking as it jerks away from me to scan my item and shove it forward.
Having never experienced this level of ridiculous insanity before… I suddenly find myself in THE TWILIGHT ZONE with the psycho THING 1 and the dim-witted THING 2 and everything feels like it’s happening in SLOW MOTION.
This time-dilation effect gives me a moment to reflect on what I’m observing and postulate a meaning behind it all…
It appears to me that what the psycho THING 1 is doing is a ‘show’ to impress the dim-witted THING 2 and judging by THING 2’s face which continues to contort and smirk with goofy delight, THING 1’s efforts are paying off and winning it over in a big way.
God, I hope these two produce non-viable eggs when they hook-up later.
But now it’s time for me to pay…
THING 1 has scanned my item and has resumed it’s PSYCHO DEATH STARE.
As the faux psychologist in me observes this strange insanity play out I realise that the fuel for atleast some of this demented psycho-drama must be THING 1’s low self-esteem, due primarily to a negative body image because THING 1 looks like a more deranged version of serial killer Aileen Wuornos. Yuck!
I wonder how many dead bodies are in it’s past…
As I begin to insert my credit card into the reader an awful and ungodly smell of what I can only describe as rotten eggs and putrid fish co-mingled with steaming shit enters my nostrils. THING 1 has apparently shit it’s pants!
I hurriedly…
complete the transaction with credit card and THING 1 quickly and forcefully stiff-arms my receipt at my face.
Wow! THING 1 is the gift that keeps on giving! At both ends! I almost laugh as I take the receipt but I’m holding my breath and trying not to choke on the puke that I feel welling up in the back of my throat…
I must escape these TWO THINGS if I want to live!
Having emptied it’s bowels upon itself, THING 1 resumes it’s PSYCHO DEATH STARE, never breaking character.
‘An Oscar winning PSYCHOTIC performance! Three thumbs up!!!’ – says Gene Roger Siskel-Ebert of THE DAILY PSYCHOPATH
Because I’m such a nice guy and it will soon be Christmas Eve I still somehow manage to choke out the word, ‘Thanks’. Again, THING 1 gives no reply. It just stares as it stands boldly and upright in it’s invisible cloud of hydrogen sulfide and other noxious odors.
…Whew, I’ve survived almost a minute among these THINGS!!! This must be FOOD LION’s version of Survivor.
I’m glad I can leave now and finally get away from THING 1 and THING 2’s very draining, foul-smelling and psychotic mating ritual and join the real world of normal, sane and happy adult human beings who are full of Christmas cheer and start drinking.
As a last reminder of this night, THING 2 is still smirking like a little crazy jackass as I collect my Box Wine and leave.
I reported these two assclowns to FOOD LION on Facebook and the store manager, Lacresha, gave me a call and invited me to come to the store and pick up a $25 dollar gift card, which I did.
But I’ll be redeeming this at another FOOD LION in an effort mostly to avoid THING 1’s deadly shit clouds.
However, I’d like to thank THING 1 and THING 2 for helping me earn $25 dollars for less than one minute of smirk.
Oh, and one more thing…
Have A Merry Christmas! 😉
Suggested solution:
They need to have normal adults at the registers. Psychos have no place in a retail environment. It\'s bad for the customers and bad for business. The buying public doesn\'t shop at your store so your psycho employees can abuse them.
